My Past Three Years
My GPA has not reached the desired 3.7/4.0. While there are many uncontrollable factors contributing to this result, I cannot solely attribute it to external circumstances. Over the past few years, I have made earnest attempts to organize my life against those factors, often forgetting that I cannot manage everything independently.
First Year: Start with Stubbornness
Upon entering university, like other students from rural areas, I struggled to adapt to the new university life. Many sought the advice of others, while I stubbornly relied completely on myself to organize my life. It was the lifestyle shaped before: My parents lacked higher education and were unable to provide academic guidance. Teachers overlooked me and concentrated more on the students with higher grades. My identity as a homosexual created a subtle but persistent sense of alienation between me and my friends.
I had long been used to leaning on myself. However, the demands of courses were formidable, and the need to consider the conflicts with roommates and monthly budgets added to my exhaustion. In the end, I got a disappointing 60% in my midterm calculus exam, with similarly terrible results in other courses.
I should have sought advice from my professors at that time. Regrettably, it never occurred to me that I could turn to them for help. I banished myself to the library, stayed away from others, and tried to grasp complex theorems that could have been clarified with a simple inquiry. One day, buried in the books under the orange lights, my heart raced as if life itself were on the verge of exploding. At that moment, I thought, “I will not exude the scent of failure anymore.”
I got 91% on the final exam.
Looking back, if I had failed at that time, I might have learned to ask for help. However, the fact was that I continued to convince myself that I could manage everything. The first year’s academic struggles gradually improved, but the weights of those first-year scores in the overall credits were so great that redemption seemed impossible.
Third Year: End in Turmoil
In this year, I led three research projects and participated in two competitions. I crafted detailed plans before, believing that I could manage everything while balancing my studies. At first, things seemed to fall into place—projects were well-organized and all other affairs were orchestrated efficiently.
However, the harmony was shattered by the shocking dispute between my parents, and I was asked to mediate their conflicts. It was akin to a harbinger, instantly triggering a chain reaction: the output was rejected without clear reasons for modification; the professor couldn’t provide the promised support, intensifying conflicts between the team members and the professor; as the competition approached, the optimization algorithm I was responsible for hit a bottleneck; nearing the end of the semester, the courses required more efforts; a close friend succumbed to depression once again, and the disputes persisted within my family.
Enveloped in feelings of powerlessness, I began to doubt myself. During that period, my dreams were often filled with a blank stare at a Grade C. On the day I got COVID-19, I decided to relinquish my academic grades. Subsequently, I stopped the first project, the second project, the first competition, and more. Promises I had previously made to others turned into apologies. I once believed that giving up one of them was enough, only to find that I had to let go of more and more.
My third year ended in turmoil.
Looking back, I had many other choices at that time, like talking to the responsible professor of the first project or relying on my brother, who was closer to home, to mend the strained relationships within my family. However, at that time, I believed that I could handle everything, never realizing that I might be unable to handle anything.
Summer Research: A Fresh Life
I am deeply grateful to Prof. Mengnan Du for his guidance throughout the summer research. Even when I doubted myself, he still believed in me. He allowed me to explore my interests and provided support when I felt lost. Beyond the growth in research skills, I learned to seek help from him and the people around me. I finally acknowledged that there were many things I could not control. There was no distinct milestone in this transformation, and upon reflection, the past blurred into a vague memory—I live a fresh life now.